Recently, certain things have been bothering me. One of these things is related to my friend, and I'm starting to really wonder what to think of others' actions.
And of some of my friends.
Honestly, I hate having to choose between things. Obviously, acknowledging the fact I may lose my friends in the near future is very hard for me to do. However it's come to a point where I can't ignore it any longer, and a few people are just being inconsiderate and selfish. I'm tired of trying to tell her my thoughts as considerately as I can and being tolerant to the point in which it's at my expense. I'm sick of dealing and worrying about something that is trivial and not my fault whatsoever. I need some time to think about this.

This person is either very ignorant or callous right now.

On a more lighter note, though, I got into Governor's School. I'm very excited, because I think that the month in which I'm surrounded by everything musical will be the determinate for whether or not I double major in music.

It really bothers me when my boyfriend feels upset. An example is me calling him just now, and at the beginning of the phone conversation he seemed happy then near the end he just seemed depressed, tired, and it almost seems as if I've made it worse. He sometimes takes things too heavily... I.e. when I suggest to him a lot for him to hang out with his friends, then today he asked me why I keep telling him to do that. He, then, told me (not in a commanding, and not in an implying that I'm too antisocial way), that I should hang out with mine too more often, and I don't think he seems to understand that as long as I have him, I don't need to hang out with my friends often (since I see them everyday in school). If I told him that, however, he'd be disappointed because he doesn't want me relying on him too much (although it's sort of inevitable when you're in a serious love relationship.) <- sometimes I feel sort of silly saying that I'm in a serious relationship, seeing as how most teenagers who do really aren't. I think that I'm smart enough, though, to realize when a man is using me for other purposes (not necessarily sex; I'm talking about a man wanting to substitute any woman to fill an empty void in his life, reputation/self esteem booster, etc.)

BUT anyway,

he's just sometimes un-consolable and the fact that the phone conversation ends with him sounding depressed burdens me and leaves me unhappy for the remainder of the night; almost like I've just made his situation worse through his telling to me about it.

Sigh. I don't know... I love him so much, but I wish there were more that I could do for him. And perhaps more that he could do to be more considerate towards me regarding the fact that he sometimes shuts me out when he's lonely or dealing with a stressful situation (I don't think he realizes that it hurts me, though.)

ANYWAY, I have my ACT tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'll get an "o-kay" score on it. Also I'm considering what colleges to do; first choice is UVA, second maybe william and mary (i have no idea what i want to major in though. computers or medical, either one. This is silly, but I'm going to major in medical related topic if I'm not in a serious relationship during college). third, v tech?. fourth, jmu?

I have lost utterly all of the remaining respect that I have had for the past few years towards my mother. This morning was horrible. My day was horrible. And now my night is horrible.
Let me tell you something; a mother that calls you useless and tells you to your face, "I don't give a shit that you're crying", is not worth being called a mother. Also having a mother that says that your friends are useless and therefore, you are too, is pitiful. Or, for the matter, one who implies that you're a whore because you wear more makeup than most girls your age.
I have come to an actually astonishing fact to me; this is something that I once joked about, but I never took it seriously until my father and I had this discussion. My mother enjoys making other people suffer and it makes her feel better. I've realized that she does not love me affectionately whatsoever, and that she pushes me just because I am a representation of her, and what she could not accomplish throughout her lifetime. I've spent too long under her control freak nature, and too many tears have been wasted on her; I don't need a "mother" who doesn't care if I scream and suffer due to her verbal abuse. She's abused me, and although not physical (usually), I know what it feels like to have felt thrown to the side and feel like I'm alone in my suffering. I'm not going to take this anymore, and I'm not even going to acknowledge her as a mother.

Duped by your promises
and embarrassed by my cries,
I will not run to you-
for this isn't my reprise

^basically sums up my post that I just set to private, since I'm too embarrassed to show it to anyone.

I've been wondering, is it need that causes us to want, or want that causes us to need? I suppose this could be interpreted in two ways, of which would be an immediate (and inevitable) longing of something that is necessary, or an idea of wanting something manipulating someone into believing that he actually needs it. What makes us want things, and why are things that are believed to be unattainable all the more attractive to the eyes of humans?

Today I had my all state audition (which I felt SOMEWHAT prepared for, since the excerpt was really easy and I had memorized my scales). But ohhh.... Sight reading..... Hmmmmm...
Okay, so I didn't pass the audition. I was ranked 24th/42 (or there were at least 42 cellists) and I think that the intonation of my second scale and the ending of my sight reading killed me. Oh yes, I just had to get B minor in 3 octaves. Argh, I was fine on the way up but then on the way down, ehh...
Oh, and in AYSO this guy named Eric got first chair in all state. I'm not jealous though; he worked hard for it, and he's planning on having a music major. You know, I'm surprisingly not upset whatsoever over not making it into all state. Lol, I think I've been too busy sulking over having my AYSO concert tomorrow and rehearsal tonight.
Umm, well let's see. I really hope I make governor's school; even though it doesn't look as well on college apps as, say, all state does, I think it'll be a fun experience.
I'm planning on bringing George to the concert tomorrow, and I hope my mom doesn't make the whole thing crappy. I'm starting to get really sick of her. Literally, every time I see her she's nagging/complaining/yelling at me to do something and I've had... Really bad thoughts about her recently. I dunno, but it seems like she's making me into a worse person.

  Sometimes I feel really disappointed in people, including myself. It's days like this in which I come to realize how much I resent the general tendencies of humans; especially the irrationality. I'm beginning to think that I should just isolate myself from people when I'm feeling, err.. "irrational" (in other words, when I'm down because I act like a crazy mindless person). It seems that whenever I talk to people when I'm feeling that way I seem to either scare them off or make them concerned. Eh, I mean it's understandable because I know how annoying it is to be putting up with a blubbering fool... lol.

I honestly think that it's just school that's getting a hold of me; not really people, just the idea that it seems to me that I'm figuratively running around in circles when it comes to my grades/SAT. All I want to do sometimes is just to sit down and go into a sort of hibernation mode where I don't have to worry about anything for the meantime. But, of course, life isn't that simple.

Anyway, I think I should be a better friend to a few people. I've noticed that I've been really.... apathetic towards notable person's suffering. I mean, sure she comes up randomly and starts ranting about how her life stinks even though she has no justifiable reason, but eh. Friends are friends. 

Comparing myself to the way I was a few years ago, have I become a better person? I wonder this because I don't really think I'm nice on the inside... nor much on the outside, for that matter.

Right now, I'm pondering what's in store for me a few years later. I wonder if I'm even going to actually get anywhere in life. I mean, sure I know that I'll most likely be able to support myself financially, but will I, as an older person, be able to look back on my life and feel accomplished?

Ehh sorry, I'm kind of weird right now. -_-

Well today, it was sort of busy at the end. I babysitted for Karaa :D (which wasn't bad at all, really!) and now here I am.

But um... I'm just. Looking for some advice/vent-age?

Umm, okay. So for the past few weeks, I've sort of had this paranoia about George. I've realized that during the day or something, he says he'll call me and I'll be expecting his call at night, but half the time he "forgets" or something. And it actually really bothers me, because it makes me think that he doesn't value talking to me anymore. Also, he keeps mentioning that I seem like I've been pissed off with him recently, and keeps asking if I want a break from him. I'll say no, do you? And I'll be like, "honestly, if you're hinting you want a break you can tell me if you do right now". And he'll be like, no, I really don't want that.
Today we were talking this morning, and I was out of it, feeling sort of melancholy and a bit disappointed that he didn't call last night even though he said yesterday that he would. Sure it's immature getting a bit PO'd, but I think I have the right since that's been going on for a while now. So he was like, you're acting really weird, we should stop talking on the phone for now so you can think and stuff. I agree, I was acting weird and thirty min. later I left a voicemail saying I was feeling better, and thanks for letting me have some time to think stuff over. Well we talked just now and he said I was acting mean to him and I was like, sorry I get somewhat irritable when I'm stressed over grades. Then he was like, if you want a break just tell me. And he sounded all upset when he said that, and I was like noo. I asked him today if we could hang out like twice, and the first time he was like, I have homework but we'll see. The second, he was like okay you can come over if you want. And it's just upsetting me because I feel like we're going downhill or something; I love him a lot. I don't know what to do, and I'm planning to talk this over with him tomorrow if we (hopefully) hang out. It's just been upsetting me so much.

Well, what influenced me to just post that was seeing someone's picture who I was once really good friends with. The picture made me somewhat nostalgic and I wondered how different my life would be right now if I was still friends with that person; it sucks how people can change (and in that I'm referring to myself, too; I know I've changed).

Hmm.. Well about this week. Midterms are..... Going to be *okay* I guess. My calculus one sucked, but then again if I think about it I think the whole class did badly (except Lawrence, of course) and Mr. Giesy will probably curve it. I watched Queen of the Damned yesterday, I still love that movie! I really need to read the book...... Oh, and I got George sick with strep throat, sigh. His mom probably likes me a lot less now because he told her I came over with strep throat and she was like George why did you let her over, etc. He didn't tell her he's getting sick now though, so I'm going to give him some antibiotics that I was prescribed. Hopefully he's not allergic to them, ironically, or anything.. Um. Hm.

I realized I'm not really going to study that much for midterms. It's not really a matter of how much studying I do, I think it's the quality of studying this year that will determine whether I bash my head into a brick wall or tackle someone (hopefully not Kara :P), in an outburst of happiness.

So my um, strep throat is getting better now. I had to go to school on Friday, sadly, (even when my strep throat was at its worst) because of half of my ap statistics midterm grade (presentation to the administration). I couldn't skip it because it would be impossible to make up, even though I woke up with a fever of 100+ degrees which had spread to my eyes, didn't sleep at all, was coughing, had such a sore throat (which was even sorer from breathing from my mouth open since I couldn't breathe whatsoever), and had a constant runny/blocked nose.

Sighhh.

Actually now that I think about it, I was a dumbass for kissing George on the lips on Friday but it's become a nice, affectionate gesture that I do whenever he's in one of his especially "cute" (someone else might look at him and wonder why he's making hamster noises) moments.

AHHH anyway....

I was wondering how long it would take him to get over his symptoms of having strep throat after taking antibiotics? 2 days? 3? Idk.

Mmm... Hm, going to go eat something now.

I wish I didn't have to look at the familiar with a stranger's eyes.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had done different things in the past, and if I would still have a few unresounded issues as I do today.

In tribute of Itachi [maybe dying]..... lol =(

Also kind of in a melancholy mood.

Submitting to the clutches of damnation, he abruptly visioned an eternity of red through the eyes of which he suffered a life of tragic darkness. He had clutched on to that one, un-resounding act of rage and, in desperation, clutched onto the one hope of redeeming himself in the eyes of the other damned. This precious resolution that he sought transformed, eventually, from that of family love to a struggle to force himself into the eyes of redemption.

It was not a crime of vengeance-rather, a plea for renewed sanity.

And yet, all of this had a solution that lay just beyond his capacity; What had kept him from severing the chord around his neck was merely human passion.




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Alright so that was written about a few days ago when I was sort of depressed? I'm not really done with it, but my mom turned off the computer when I left this on a minimized window (fortunately, it was autosaved). Umm yes, maybe will update later?

Today's sort of a sucking Friday. I can't really pinpoint the reasons, but this entire week has been somewhat depressing for me; I think it's an accumulation of many small things that have been bothering me lately. Well I guess, something nice that happened today was that at seating auditions I ended up with first chair. I've actually practiced, mind you.
But eh. I mean, when I got home I was expecting I'd want to play WoW but I'm feeling down in the dumps right now; I think it's just boredom really, and the fact that I know that I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow to go take an SAT (doesn't count on college record since it's at my SAT teaching place). But like.... Yeah. I'm sort of hoping George will call me. Today I realized that I've been asking him if we could hang out a lot recently, I might just give him some space since that's what I think he wants.
I think I've been acting kind of.... moodswingish lately. No, it's not PMS. It's just.... I think I'm starting to get worn out from school. Also, my governor's school audition is next week arghh. I suppose I'm ready, and I want to get in. I mean, I'm confident that I'll get in as long as I don't mess up my scales (which I think I've memorized... ee).....
Oh yeah, also gonna dye my hair tomorrow. A shade of red, I guess. Originally, I wanted to do it blonde but then I was like nah, it'd look too weird.

Hmm.. What else... Ughh history project. You know, I think it's just stress that's been getting to me recently.

New Year Resolutions:

-Drink more water (8 glasses a day)
-Do homework on time. (No procrastination >_>)
-Exercise when it gets warm outside
-Don't eat after 6
-Read history chapters! (lol)
-Practice cello more often

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So filling in winter break... Hm.

Oh jeez. I'm watching Devil's Diary and it's a creepy movie. Ugh, it's so gory, I'm actually surprised that it was premiered on Lifetime channel.

Umm, well after looking at a friend's blog I was suddenly compelled with a strange urge to update... Uh yeah.

To start with, report cards came out for first quarter; ugh, my first C. And in physics, which is generally an easy class, but NO, my teacher has to make it hard. Long story, but I usually don't complain about teachers; basically, my teacher is so strict about everything and is such a lame ass.
Good news though, made it into first round of governor's school but then again, made 7th chair in SRO so wtf. Bullshit. Anyway...
I should really start my essay/recommendations for gov school. I'm performing the elgar cello concerto this saturday with my friend accompanying me on piano; it sounds so, unbelievably much better with piano.

Um, hm.. What else. Ah, thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'm actually having it at my boyfriend's house; his mom, fortunately, likes me. The day after, George and I are going shopping. Ahh, I really need to do that shitload of homework that I have. =(

Well. As the subject states, I received my interim. The worst grades I've ever gotten.

AP Calc AB: B+
AP Statistics: A
English: C+
Physics: D+
Orchestra: A (on the verge of an A+)
History: C+
Spanish 4: A (on the verge of an A+)

I know why they're so bad; I've slacked off and had a rocky start in the year, with the pregnancy scare and all.

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What's written above is actually from about a week ago; sunday, and today's 8 days later. Basically to sum it up, David's mom called out George at blockbusters at my party, and blackmailed him and told him that she had pictures of us sleeping on the bus in summer school (said she had "spies"), and that if he wouldn't stop talking badly about david, she'd use them or go to the administration or w/e. Firstly, he doesn't even talk about david. Secondly, I can't believe david can't fucking stand up for himself. Well, that's his problem because I already told my dad that I'm in a relationship with George; he's fine with it, but he's keeping it a secret from my mom.

This, however, isn't among my concerns. What's among my concern is that.. I've been so stressed out about George lately. Last Wednesday we spent an evening at a lake by his house; it was really nice. He told me I'm like a star to him, and I told him he's the sky. Corny I know, but still, it was nice.
And.. well recently he's been acting really depressed and stressed out. For the last couple of days he's had a monotonous voice and he just seems so.. unhappy. He hasn't been calling me, he didn't wait for me at my locker today like he usually does. And it's just been depressing me.. so much. I'm so worried about losing him. I called him today and told him I was worried about him and I asked him if he wanted to break up and if he didn't love me anymore. He told me he does and he seemed sad that I thought that, but then he mentioned something about "we're stuck. It hasn't been going anywhere," and that's what really kills me. It just.. Depresses me so much. I've been moping around and stressing over this. I told him it seems like every time I call him he seems unhappy and busy, and I even asked him if we would hang out this week or if he'd be busy but he said he would be busy, and it's just.. really crushing. He told me he's still up for saturday evening and said he'd take me out to dinner and that we should go to some late night movies.

I'm just so stressed about this though. He told me he wants me to go to school early to talk to him about what's on my mind, but honestly I don't even know what I'm going to tell him. I think I'm going to say something about me being afraid that he's going to lose faith in the relationship and that I hope that conflicts don't get in the way of it. I can't lose him. Throughout our relationship I've realized I love him so much. He's the first guy I ever really loved, and I'm so afraid of losing him.. Ugh I don't know what I should do at this point.

Hm.. So today was nice. My mom surprised me *yet again*, and let me hang out with George since I finished cello and reading early. I hung out with him pretty much all day; it was relaxing, and despite his moaning about how I wasn't having fun, I definitely was.

Hard to think that school starts already. Tomorrow.

Well, I'm definitely packed. Lol, today after hearing that I apparently have an english assignment due tomorrow in which we have to pick a quote that applies to us (which I was apparently notified about at orientation), I just picked a quote: "The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want". Okay. So it isn't the most philosophical quote ever, but it applies to me. And also, it was on the second page of search results =P. Hmm..
But yeah I'm an indecisive person, and people these days tend to change their minds very quickly regarding goals and such. So eh, hopefully the teacher will accept it/think I'm an okay student, or think I'm a lazy ass that doesn't know what I'm taking about. Probably the latter. Anyway....

I'm pretty tired right now. Probably will update tomorrow.

Been sorta stressed this entire week. Stress to me, is like... an insect that is biting your skin. At first, it's just something tiny that you can ignore. Then it progressively bites you harder and harder, until you can't help but let it affect you. (And trust me, I'd know about this; I've counted 8 bug bites this morning. Probably have more, but eh whatever). But yes.
I think that the main reason why I've been stressed is because of.. Parent interference within my relationship. I mean come on, let's see. My mom doesn't like my boyfriend because she thinks that he's a "distraction", and because I talk on the phone; even though I solely use FREE minutes. I was so sure that the free part would keep my mom quiet, but then again you just never completely know a few people. Secondly, the incident in summer school. A few months ago while in summer school, I got a bus write up, and a letter sent home; fortunately, I never told my mom about it. If, for some reason, another form of contacting my parents is issued from my regular high school, well.. I'm screwed. And so is my relationship, which is about the only thing (aside from my friends of course) that's keeping me sane right now. Also, my mom will scare the living hell out of me, I know that for a fact.
Sigh. I don't know. I worry too much, but yeah... I think the letter being sent home is the main issue that's been plaguing me recently.

A lot of things have smoothed out since the last entry. Mom's actually being much more reasonable about letting me out of the house, but then again school starts on tuesday (the day after tomorrow). Hopefully this year isn't going to suck as much ass as last year did. Huh. I'm a junior already. Kind of weird, because I've always thought being a junior is, like... the turning point in high school. Whatever, I don't feel much different than when I was a freshman.
My best friend/boyfriend has been going through a lot recently, unfortunately. I went to his church festival with him yesterday. It was relaxing; what I needed at the time, but on the way back his mom started yelling at him. I know what he means now, whenever he describes the way his mom yells at him and favors his siblings over him. I feel helpless, because honestly, there isn't much I can think of to do--or say, for the matter, to cheer him up. I've been thinking that maybe if he had a wiser person to talk to, it'd do him better.

Honestly, I worry.

Sometimes, I can't help but think he's going to get bored of me-or meet someone else that's just better at telling him things he needs to hear, and being there for him. Although I feel very stable with him, I can't help but feel paranoid occasionally. It's just the way I am. Furthermore, he's probably going to see a certain someone today, who... Well. Was part of an incident that hurt me a few months ago. I'm over it though, but I can see why he was interested in her. Still hurts me when I think about it sometimes, though I would never admit that to him. Maybe I'm a control freak?

Hm. But otherwise, I'm always glad to talk to him whenever he needs me. I have a strange feeling, however, that this year I'm going to be affected by someone close to me. It's hard to describe, and maybe I'm paranoid; however, I've been feeling anxious lately, and I haven't been able to sleep much.

Btw, recommended book = Eclipse. Very interesting plot, although I don't think men would enjoy it as much (love involved, blah blah).

So, I felt inclined to make a journal today. I've had a few blogs in the past, but right about as I was going to read, I really felt like writing something, so whatever. Anyway, nothing eventful really today. Last night was a bit of a hell, mom yelled and took my cell away. She is really just.. Unreasonable, even my father agrees. He's actually been on my side recently, though, so that's a change.
A few friends and I have been playing Death and the Maiden (by Schubert). It really is a nice song, I actually think I printed out a score for it when I was a freshman in hope that I would be able to play it with someone. There's a nice cello solo in the middle, but I degraded to an extent you wouldn't imagine today =P. The new violinist in our orchestra is really good; apparently she was in AYSO last year, and unfortunately I'll be stuck with my partially arrogant stand partner from school every monday night. Arrgh.
Orientation was today. I don't have any classes with my boyfriend unfortunately... I've been thinking about him a lot lately, and hoping that we don't drift apart. The fact that he concerns himself over the same thing is comforting to me though; not really used to having a boyfriend that actually appreciates a decent relationship. But nah, I'm not going to get into an entire rant, encouraging people to believe I'm yet another misled, naive teenager that thinks she's in love. I really do though, and I'm actually able to think very clearheadedly in my relationship with him. Yeah, awesome isn't it.
In other news, I have a lot of classes with friends. Dhriti, Carolyn, Krishna, and a few other people, unfortunately.. Not so much. =(
It's really hard to believe that school's going to begin on tuesday though. Taking chemistry over the summer overlapped more than half of the summer, so... Yeah. Hopefully 3 aps this year won't traumatize me too much (eh probably will).